Marriages and Families

A Resource Couple for Small Group Mentors

This resource couple (RC) has experience with small groups, mentoring and helping others prepare to be small group mentors.  Where might we find such a wonder?  It’s actually not that hard!  The couple who leads the marriage ministry should have mentored the other couples on the team during their first semester of meeting together as a team.  If they’re good, they’ll naturally become a RC as the other couples begin their groups the following semester.  The RC no longer leads his own small group, but rather helps support the new mentors and their groups.  In the future, other mentors who raise up new mentors may also become RCs. 

The mentor couple is part of the small group, whereas the support person is not.  The RC visits the groups, often weekly, to observe their progress and dynamics.  They stay in the background, giving support to two or three groups, especially to the group mentors, with the goal of helping the groups be successful.  The resource couple may choose to stay together as they visit the groups, or each visit a different group at any given time. 

The role of supporting the mentor will not work if the support person is present so often that he or she actually becomes a part of the group.  Visits should be limited to 20-30 minutes, unless there is a crisis or serious conflict.  This can be followed by a visit to another group, counseling a needy couple or person, planning, sharing about ministry concerns with their spouse and intercession.  On occasion the RC may call the mentoring couples or one of each of the mentoring spouses out of their groups for a ministry or administrative meeting.  However, as much as possible that should happen at other times so as not to disturb the small group dynamics.

A typical rhythm for a support person could be:

1. Visit a group for 20-30 minutes, usually without saying anything.  He/she observes the group dynamics and notes positive observations to encourage the mentoring couple along with two or three ideas of what could be improved. 
   
   
2. Talk with the mentor couple at least weekly, separate from the group, even if it’s only for five minutes before or after a group meeting.  Their first priority is to hear any concerns the mentor couple has and help them in any way they can.
   
   
3. If the first group that the support person visits is going well, he/she can then visit another group.  Another option is to visit groups on a rotating basis, one group each week, perhaps for a longer visit.  Longer visits open the temptation to become an active part of the group.  The RC wants to avoid that so as not to overshadow the mentoring couple.  If a mentoring couple is having some serious problems, however, the resource husband, wife or couple could take a more active role for a few weeks.  During this time they’d coach the mentoring couple on the side to try to bring them up to speed.
   
   
4. Call people who miss group meetings.  The mentor couple or another group member should also be doing this, so that the person will receive at least two phone calls and will know that he is important to the group.  Establish the norm that if someone is going to be absent, he/she should communicate that to the group leader before the meeting.  This ensures good communication, validates the importance of the group and allows the group to pray if there is a particular need.
   
   
5. Normally, the support person will actually participate in a group only if he/she is invited for a particular reason.  This participation should be quick and objective, responding to the need or desire of the group and then returning leadership to the mentor couple.
   
   
6. The support person may participate more extensively, if invited, but this should be understood to be an exception to the rule.  In this case, the following week he/she will want to make up to the other groups the attention they missed.  For instance, the support person might be asked to help with a particular prayer ministry time, counseling that seems appropriate within the group context, a mini-teaching on a particular topic, or to help the mentor couple if they need care themselves and want the group to be involved.
   
   
7. Should a group member or couple need individualized attention that would be more appropriate outside of the group context, the support person or couple can schedule this in a separate place during the time the group is meeting or at another time convenient for all.
   
   
8. Should the support person conclude that the problem or conflict is beyond his ability to help, he/she should assist the person or couple in seeking outside help, from the pastor, a trained therapist, or from another ministry in the church such as counseling, specialized support groups or restoration ministries. 
   
   
9. The support person should always be open to feedback regarding how he can better fulfill his functions, from other members of the team, from group members, or even from his/her spouse!

Return to the initial page on healthy marriages and families or go on to More Tools for Marriage Ministry.